One Little Bean

Hey you,

Lately you've been pushing out against me a lot. It's more than the kicks and punches... you stay in that position for a few moments, and if I press down a little bit I can feel exactly where part of you is. I don't know what part of you it is, but it's enough to know that at that moment, I am less than an inch away from touching you. You seem to like parking yourself right under my right boob. Maybe that's your comfort spot, just like your daddy's lap is for me.

I realized how much I miss getting those ultrasound photos of you when a co-worker of mine came in earlier this week with pics from her 17-week ultrasound. I wish I could see how you are developing and know you are getting everything you need and that you are doing well.

You keep me awake a lot at night these days, but I don't blame you. I imagine it's starting to get more and more cramped in there for you.And it's good practice for me for when you need to be fed every few hours throughout the night. We bought you a crib on Monday. Your daddy saw it in the window of a Wildlife Rescue Society store. That was our first baby purchase, and we are both feeling pretty excited.

I've been wondering a lot about what you are going to look like. Are you going to have eyes like your dad, or like me? How about your nose? Ears? Build? What colour will your hair be? Are you a boy or a girl? There is going to be so much to discover once you are born!

14 more weeks until you are here. I am excited, but also a little nervous. I suppose no one ever feels totally ready to be a mom. And you know, any nervousness I might have never lasts very long in the face of how excited your daddy is. He loves to rub my tummy and send you kisses. Sometimes he chastises you when you deliver a particularly hard kick, but we know you are just trying to get comfortable. It can't be easy with all my tossing and turning at night. You probably just get comfy and then wham, mom rolls over and all of a sudden you are upside-down! Sorry about that...

Oh and you know, we might have our very own place before you are born! We are getting some mortgage approvals and taking a good look at the money we make, and then we are going to start searching for our very own home. Rental places never quite feel like home. Although, I suppose anywhere I am with you and your daddy will always feel like home to me.

I love you kiddo.

I just got out of the shower and plunked myself down on the toilet seat to clip my toe nails.

...

I can't pull my leg up far enough to reach my toes anymore.

Tomek was in the shower and heard me wail, Oh no!!

What's up?

I can't clip my toenails anymore!

To which, he valiantly replied, That's okay, bibi. I'll do that for you.

Now that's love.

What are you like?

I'd like to know… not just what you look like, but who are you? I'm sure you are a who by now, alive, but so much more than just breathing, digesting, moving, kicking, sleeping.

What do you think about? Do you remember, or do you just wonder? I know you can hear me when I talk—the echoes of my voice must swirl around you in your little oasis. You can probably differentiate between my moods, too—sad voice, happy voice, laughter, and some gut-wrenching tears.

Do you hear your daddy giving you kisses, telling you he loves you? You should see how he loves to watch you kick. When I lie down on the bed, he'll sit on the floor beside me with an excited smile on his face and just watch. Each time you kick, he smiles, exclaims or laughs, marveling at the power you already show, I suppose.

Last night I could feel where you were in me. I hope you are growing strong, and I'm giving you everything you need in there.

Your daddy said to me this weekend, "How can I ever repay you for carrying our child inside you?"

He doesn't need to repay me—I am thankful you have chosen to grow inside of me, that I am healthy enough to carry you.

I hope I will be a good mother to you—patient, kind, a source of comfort, a source of fun. I hope I can give you every opportunity to discover the person you are, the person you want to be... and I hope you know you already have the power to make your dreams come true.

... Things will continue to change, with the arrival of our Little Bean (who, as I type, is kicking furiously— I guess s/he’s saying hello). The kicking… that brings me to the highest point of my day each and every day. (Kick) Whenever it starts in the evening, I’ll lie (Kick) down on the bed (Kick) and lift my shirt so my belly is exposed. Tomek sits on the floor beside the bed to watch, or places his hand on my belly to feel. Some days, my belly looks like a waterbed that someone just sat on. Other times, it’s just a kick here or there (Kick) sometimes hard, sometimes soft. I can’t really tell if LB has hiccoughs or not… but last night there were some movements coming in pretty rapid succession, so I can think they were hiccoughs. Sometimes, Tomek will put his face or cheek against my belly and talk to the baby… (Kick) and promptly get kicked in the face. (Kick) I feel like it’s a real bonding experience fo—whoa… kicking and punching I guess… or stretching (Kick, kick)—for the three of us. (Kick, kick…. Kick) LB is VERY active, and the most noticeable pattern in periods of activity that I’ve seen are at 11 p.m. which s/he would definitely get from Tomek. He’s so tired after work, but around 10:30-11p.m starts to wake up again, and then can easily stay up till 1:30 or so (Kick). Other than that, I usually feel movement once every hour or (Kick) so. (Kick)